


You Should Really Let Him Know You Love Him

by Kae



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Diary, Gen, Journal, Love, M/M, TARDIS - Freeform, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-28
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 19:43:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/739395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kae/pseuds/Kae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is about to step out onto the roof to meet Moriarty. He will make a choice. The Doctor intervenes to ensure he has all of the facts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sherlock was steps away from bursting through the door to the roof when a hand grabbed his arm. He started, having not seen anyone in the stairwell, nor marks to indicate feet had stepped where he was. Sherlock cursed himself internally for missing something. It wouldn’t do to be surprised by Moriarty because his attention was elsewhere. He turned to see a thin man as tall as him with lighter brown hair and a bow-tie grinning widely. 

“Hello I’m the Doctor, and you’re Sherlock Holmes, I’m afraid we don’t have much time so introductions may be a little rushed, but this is the TARDIS, it’s bigger on the inside, and for now we’ll just go with that it travels in time - you might want to throw out everything you thought you know about physics for the time being, not that it’s wrong, just there’s more, but here we are, you’re a smart man, I’m sure you can keep up.” 

He was a raving lunatic.

“I’m so sorry, sir, but I have to meet someone...” Sherlock started sarcastically, but when the TARDIS door opened and he saw it was actually was bigger on the inside he trailed off, in awe.

“Yes, yes I know, you have to meet your downfall, but I’m afraid it’ll have to wait. You can come back to this point if you really want to, although you might want to go back a bit further first. Come in, come in!”

Sherlock let himself be led inside the TARDIS, restraining himself from repeating the obvious ‘it’s bigger on the inside’ - that was John’s department, not his. 

“So you didn’t come up the stairs, then?”

“No, parked her quite well this time. Sometimes it gets a bit iffy - then I have to climb the stairs - but this time she did a lovely job, isn’t that right?”

The man was talking to the large circular thing in the centre of the TARDIS, and patting it lovingly, like a pet. Sherlock still held his suspicion he was following a lunatic, but that this was bigger on the inside was much too interesting to pass up. 

“Good - then I didn’t miss anything. So how is this bigger on the inside?”

“Oh, no, we don’t have time to go into all that. We have a mission! Or, well, I hope we have one, I think I have it here - ah! There it is!” The Doctor scooped up a small, black, leather-bound diary. Sherlock reached towards it, but the Doctor snatched it away “Ah ah, spoilers! Well, I suppose I’m going to give you a few spoilers, but - oh, we’re going to have to start at the beginning, aren’t we? I never like that bit. I always like jumping into the middle and going backwards, but then again you humans always like time to be so _linear._ It’s really not, but oh what the hey - the beginning.”

“What do you mean, _spoilers?”_ Sherlock had to admit he was having some trouble following the Doctor. He supposed this might be how ordinary people felt to be around him sometimes, as he caught his reflection in one of the shiny bits on the engine-thing in the centre of the TARDIS and it resembled an expression he had seen on John’s face many times over. Bewilderment was the word that came to mind. Preposterous, he was _not_ bewildered.

“Oh, the future. Things that will happen, haven’t happened to you yet, things you haven’t done yet, all that sort of stuff. Of course, these aren’t true spoilers, because we’re going to change it! Or, at least, you’re going to change it. Or maybe. If you want. I’m just putting it out there - you CAN change it. But, oh, that’s not the beginning, I’ll have to start again. Rubbish, this linear thing is so hard! I give up - I’ll just start wherever.”

“Where did you get that book of - spoilers?” Sherlock asked, disconcerted. 

“John Watson, lovely fellow, you should really let him know you love him.”

  



	2. Chapter 2

Sherlock sputtered “I do  _not_ love him. And John knows the future?”

“Well, you do, just not now, well not yet, well you do, but you don’t know it, but you’ll figure it out. Too bad you can’t avoid that mess. Ah, well, I tried.” The Doctor spoke the last sentence to the journal, looking slightly grim. Then he perked up, remembering there was more to Sherlock’s statement. “No, he doesn’t know the future, I met him there and he gave me this -  _your_  John doesn’t know the future.”

“He’s  _not_ mine! Oh, you meant, right.” Sherlock felt like John again, stammering on about not being gay. He clenched his jaw. Clearly the Doctor had meant ‘his’ as to do with his time, not his as in  _his_. Stupid. 

“Still, it’s a pity. If you met Romeo, wouldn’t you try to tell him Juliette wasn’t dead? I guess some things are just fixed.”

“Are you saying we’re like Romeo and Juliette?” Sherlock was affronted.

“No - you’re Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. But you’re a tragedy. Infinitely more sad than Romeo and Juliette - you never even knew! Oh, but I really shouldn’t tell you any more. I’d hoped because it wasn’t a fixed point, but...” The Doctor grew sad again, then bounced back to peppy and raving. “Well, we have our mission cut out for us!”

“What is the mission, exactly?”

“Oh, didn’t I say? It’s to change your mind, Mr. Holmes.” With that, the Doctor flipped through the small journal and opened it to a page and handed it over.

  



	3. Chapter 3

“What about the ‘spoilers’ you seemed so concerned over?”

“Well that was before you knew our mission, and as long as you don’t read the earlier parts. Go on. Dr. Watson said to start right there.”

Sherlock didn’t want to read John’s diary. Or future-John’s diary. He wanted to learn more about why this TARDIS was bigger on the inside, and  _what_ laws of physics he needed to reconsider, and how this thing was supposed to travel in time, and what was this Doctor if he wasn’t human? But his eyes looked down and read of their own accord. 

 

_June 15_

_I keep staring at the ashtray like it’s going to give me answers. As though I could raise it up like Sherlock would raise his magnifier and look through to see things the way he_ _did_   does. _God, I’m not smart enough to do this. There was a reason he always called me an idiot. I’m far from Anderson, but I’m nowhere near his level. Fuck. If only I could contact Mycroft, but all I get is his assistant. I guess he’s out of the country, but you’d think his brother’s kidnap would be of interest to him._ _I can’t_   _Mycroft is the only one who could possibly gather that much information immediately. I wouldn’t waste time writing but I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. I just keep staring at the note I found on my pillow,_ “Call the police and he dies now.”  _How do I even go about this? I know it’s Moriarty. Is has to be. No one else would do this. I just can’t seem to breathe properly._

“I get kidnapped? Preposterous.” Sherlock’s tone was laced with scorn and incredulity. 

“Just keep reading, Sherlock. He’s quite the wordsmith, your John.” This time Sherlock had to acknowledge the ‘your’  _was_  meant “that” way. He didn’t respond to it, just gave it the scowl it deserved.

 

_June 16_

_Damn it Sherlock why can’t you just get free on your own! I shouldn’t be tracking a criminal mastermind to free you. You should be able to slither out of that trap. You’re the smart one. It’s what you do, for crying out loud! It’s your job ‘consulting detective, the only one in the world.’ You invented your damn job you should do it. Get out. Come home. I don’t even know where you_ are!  _Damn it Sherlock. Fuck you._

 

“Yes, of course I could. Easily. What’s this about?” The Doctor didn’t respond, just waved his arm to keep reading. 

_June 17_

_So I got another note. Someone came in while I was asleep (I had to take some pills so I guess that’s why I didn’t wake up) and put it on my pillow beside me. An address. Nothing else. I can’t risk the police, Sherlock. I want Lestrade’s help more than anything, but I can’t risk you._

 

Good. That was smart. John’s just as smart as the police force, if not better. Sherlock could easily get out of a kidnapping, so why was it taking so long? Maybe there were things to learn, and he hadn’t a chance to send word to John. He seemed very distressed, Sherlock hoped he got word soon, or figured it out. It wouldn’t do to have John barging in and screwing things up if he were getting information. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw:mention of rape

_June 18_

_You were there all right. Moriarty is the sickest bastard I have ever met. I have one week to get a million pounds. A million, Sherlock. How do you just ‘get’ a million pounds? The image of you tied to that chair...I think it’s been burned into my memory. And when he kissed you, and put his hand on your leg. I would have killed him then and there if his oaf hadn’t taken my gun and had me in a headlock the entire time. And Moriarty just laughed._ “Ordinary people, you’re so adorable. Really.”  _I feel so powerless. I don’t want to imagine what he’s done to you. That bruise on your eye... I can’t deal with this, Sherlock._

 

Sherlock frowned. “Now why would he do that?” he muttered. Sherlock knew the million pounds meant nothing. Moriarty could get as much money as he wanted easily, so that didn’t make sense. 

But Sherlock found another question coming to mind when the doctor asked “Dr. Watson?”

“Moriarty. John said he kissed me, why would he do that? That seems a bit odd. Although it has been his pattern to  _say_  rather odd things, I figured they were just a tactic to put people on edge. Well maybe it was to make John and I uncomfortable...but why couldn’t I get out of the chair? I can work my way free of ropes easily, unless I was unconscious...” Sherlock was frowning, staring into the corner of the TARDIS when he saw a door. “Where does that go?” he asked the Doctor. How big  _was_ this place? 

“The library, and the pool, subsequently, though sometimes they like to get together, not a fun mix, but that doesn’t matter. Well, you’ve probably noticed Jim’s interest in you borders on infatuation, but I’m guessing Moriarty kissed you then to make it look like he was not only torturing you but doing, well...other things against your will.” The Doctor shifted uncomfortably, trying to say it delicately.

“You mean he wanted John to think he was raping me?” Sherlock said bluntly, never one for beating around the bush.

“I think so.” The Doctor said seriously, looking Sherlock in the eye. 

“John, given his military and medical history would be driven to protect people near him from harm. Given his strong sense of ethics, rape would rank higher than torture, so Moriarty would distress him even further with that insinuation. Ah.”

“Is that all you think you are to him? A person who just happens to be nearby?” The Doctor was looking at him too intensely. Curiously. Sherlock had seen that look on his own face whenever he was examining something when a reflective surface was nearby, but he noted the softer tone of kindness in the Doctor’s eyes that was most likely not in his own. Sherlock loathed pity, and he did not need it from this stranger, so he opted to ignore it. His voice was sharper when he spoke, trying to dissuade the hateful kind look in the other man’s eyes.

“I provide half of the rent and assist him in removing the boredom from his life which caused his psychosomatic limp. John is also sentimental so having the same people around is conductive to his well-being.”

The Doctor looked grim at his statement, but said nothing, so Sherlock turned his attention back to the book in his hands.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_June 19_

_My life savings, Molly’s life savings (I just told her you needed them, she loves you so much, you know), as much of Harry’s money I could get, a loan from the bank to “start a practice” and it’s all only 100,000. I don’t know what to do, Sherlock. I don’t know how to rob a bank. Moriarty could come up with a million dollars on his own, what does he need me for? He’s just doing this to watch me scramble for you. But damn it I’ll scramble. I can’t loose you, Sherlock. I wouldn’t survive it. You saved my life, you know...looks like the sleeping pills are kicking in now._

 

Sherlock started at this. Why wouldn’t John survive without him? It was logical to assume his limp might come back, but that would hardly cause death.

 

_June 22_

_I got into one of those idiotic game shows. I’ve been studying for it. Random things. The sort of fluff you’d delete on sight. I forgot, for a moment, you know? That just made it so much worse. I looked for you and you weren’t there._

 

_June 23_

_I won but it’s still not enough. 800, 000. He texted me_ “How’s it goin’?”  _I hate him. I hate him more than I’ve hated anything before in my life. I called him to bargain, maybe he’d take me in your place for 800, 000 - I figured he’d like watching you do this better. But maybe he knows you’d get this right. God I’m such an idiot. I’m useless. Why did you even keep me around? I’m just ordinary. I cried today. He said for 800, 000 he’d send me your blood. The flat’s a disaster. I broke everything. I barely remember, just that I think I was screaming. Cut my hand on the vase. I saw the blood and remembered what he’d said and I lost it. Good thing Mrs. Hudson was out. I can’t loose you, Sherlock. I just can’t._

 

Sherlock was getting more uncomfortable. He didn’t know how to answer John’s question. To not have John around just seemed...wrong, now he thought of it. He hadn’t thought of it until now. 

“Do I die?” he asked the Doctor, flatly.

“I’ll answer that when you’ve finished.” Sherlock scowled, turning back to the book. The writing was shaky, groves ripped into the paper as John wrote larger than the lines.

 


	6. Chapter 6

_June 25_

_God. I cant. I don’t. Sherlock. I couldn’t. I’m so...DAMN IT._

 

_June 30_

“You win some you loose some, I feel bad for you man.”  _That’s what he said when he decided to kill you. Then he laughed. God, Sherlock. My God. I couldn’t get any more money. I must’ve called Mycroft a thousand times. I went down to the office about a hundred. I couldn’t stop checking. His assistant had me escorted off the premises. Then I had to show up. I begged, Sherlock. I offered him everything I could think of. This time I was close enough to see your eyes. The last time. You have the universe in your eyes. You didn’t even look scared. Just sad. His lackey knocked me out and I woke up back in_ _our flat._   _My flat._   _The flat._   _Our flat. He took the money anyway. There was a note pinned to my shirt over my chest when I woke up._ “He loved you. The sentence for sentiment in our business is death.”  _Did you, Sherlock? I think I loved you, too. Still do. I don’t know how to live without you, is that the same thing? If you’d never met me you’d still be alive. You saved my life at the expense of yours. I’d do anything to have never have met you, then. The pin stuck into me. My blood’s on the damn paper. I don’t know why that matters. It seemed significant. I haven’t left the flat in days. I reported everything to Lestrade immediately. I wish I’d gotten him involved right away. Mycroft’s still MIA._

 

Mycroft was often required to be out of the country with his work, his absence didn’t surprise Sherlock. John’s words however, did. 

“So I die.” 

The Doctor didn’t confirm it, but said instead “did you read the part where he said he loved you?”

Sherlock nodded in a sharp, jerking movement. It didn’t mean anything. People said ‘I love you’ to their friends all the time. John wasn’t one to go into emotional monologues, so it made sense to keep it in his private thoughts. But the Doctor clearly thought it meant something else, so Sherlock wasn’t going to fuel this folly. Moriarty seemed to have thought along the same lines.

 

_July 9_

_If I ever meet Moriarty again I will kill him I don’t care if I go to jail or if one of his lackeys kills me he shows his face he dies._

 

_September 4_

_Moved out. Lost my job. Stopped going. Living with Harry. Life is hell without you, you know._

 

_November 14_

_It’s my fault. I could have killed him if I’d just been faster. I should have been able to save you. I was the reason he took you in the first place. If I’d never met you you’d still be alive._

 

That seemed wrong to Sherlock. Not meet John? Is that what the Doctor was here for, so they would un-meet? But wouldn’t he have come earlier, then? Sherlock thought briefly of his drug habit. He had only just been clean a few months when he met John. He wondered if that were true, he would have lived without meeting him. According to the research the highest likelihood of death from drug abuse was returning after quitting. Somehow it had been easier not to with John around. He just...hadn’t felt like he...needed it....

 

_December 20_

_I keep thinking about that Christmas Mrs. Hudson tried to get you to wear antlers. Molly came in that stunning dress. You embarrassed her and then tried to be kind. It didn’t really work. Harry keeps trying to set me up on dates. It’s torture. They still haven’t found you or Moriarty._

 

“ _Did I die?_ ” Sherlock enunciated, glaring at the Doctor. The Doctor sighed, looking grim. 


	7. Chapter 7

_  
_

“No, Sherlock. You joined Moriarty and worked with him. You killed people and became the psychopath Sally Donovan predicted. Your brother knew, of course, but he couldn’t capture Moriarty again after you joined forces with him.”

“Why would I do that?”

“That’s what I’m here to find out, Sherlock. And stop, if I can. What was the appeal of joining him? Why would you leave the man you love without at second glance? Why would you suddenly start working against the law, against your brother?”

“My brother is my archenemy. I do not  _love_ John. We are friends, is that so impossible for anyone to believe? That we  _must_  be having sex because no one would want to be around me just because!” Sherlock was surprised at how heated his words suddenly were.

“That’s not what I said. Why would you forget him? Why would you leave without a second glance?”

“It never made sense for him to be there. No one stays around me for that long without getting sick of me. I wouldn’t have assumed he would be any different. It’s not logical. Moriarty’s a puzzle. He’s interesting. Boredom is always just around the corner, and I’m assuming he makes a convincing argument.”

The Doctor sighed and motioned to keep reading. Sherlock, seeing the look on his face, wondered how old he really was, if he wasn’t human and could travel in time. This was so interesting, and the Doctor kept wanting to talk about  _him._ But John seemed so distraught, so he returned to the journal.

 

_  
_


	8. Chapter 8

_June 3_

_Harry forced me into rehab. She’s one to talk. But apparently sleeping pills and painkillers rank higher than alcohol. And mixed with alcohol. Especially when they’re stolen from my old job. Fuck this. I told you I couldn’t live without you, but did you listen?_

 

But...but John was very much against drug abuse. He had made that very clear. Why would he change when he was so consistent in everything else?

 

_September 8_

_Apparently seeing your old flatmate everywhere is a sign of psychosis. Apparently I should be over you by now. Apparently I’m no longer ‘fit for work.’ Apparently I shouldn’t talk to you out loud anymore. But I could have sworn I saw you at that crosswalk back in May. Your hair was different, but I saw those eyes...your eyes have the universe in them. I’d know them anywhere._

 

_March 20_

_I can’t do it Sherlock. I can’t live without you. I tried. It’s my fault. It should have been me. If it had been me captured we’d both be alive. I hate that it makes me almost happy to remember you might have loved me. It’s sick. I’m going to do it, Sherlock. I’ve still got my gun. No one knew where I hid it, but it’s still back at our flat under those old floorboards you used to hide your cocaine in. Mrs. Hudson doesn’t live there anymore, but I know just how to break in. I’ll take the gun, and go up to the roof, and pull the trigger. I’ll die with a bullet in me like I should have back in Afghanistan. You would have been fine if I never knew you. You still haven’t been found. Neither has Moriarty. I’d rather he went with me but you can’t get everything you want. Clearly. I love you, Sherlock. Maybe I’ll see you again. I just can’t do this anymore._

 

  



	9. Chapter 9

Soft, as if he’d forgotten the Doctor could hear him, “I wouldn’t have been fine.” He seemed to remember himself, and cleared his throat, not making eye contact with the Doctor. “How...” Sherlock coughed again, his voice was rough. “How does this affect him so much?”

“He says it. He says why. A few times, if I remember correctly. He loves you Sherlock.” The Doctor smiled.

“But...why?”

“You’d have to ask him, although I suspect it’s not a logical thing - love usually isn’t.”

“Did he...did he?” The Doctor nodded. “But..but no! You said he gave this to you, how could he do that if he died?”

“I reached him just as he shot himself in the heart. There was time for a few words, I think he thought I was an angel or a hallucination or something. Didn’t waste time asking who I was or how I could travel in time. Just told me to tell you to start with June 15.”

“Today’s June 15.”

“Yes.”

“But Moriarty won’t stop. He’ll have another plan for my refusal, if I make it clear.”

“Yes, yes I think he will.”

“Do you want to go back now? Or is there another time you’d like to go to first?”

“Could you take me back a few hours? I need to see a woman about a corpse.”

Sherlock ran through the months quickly in his head, counting at lightning speed.

_June 15_

_July_

_August_

_September_

_October_

_November_

_December_

_January_

_February_

_March_

_April_

_May_

_June_

_July_

_August_

_September_

_October_

_November_

_December_

_January_

_February_

_March 20_

He had exactly a year, eight months, and six days and he would use them to ensure that no danger ever came to John and him through Moriarty ever again. Sherlock didn’t know what love was, that word John and the Doctor kept using. Not in the senses they were using it. But he was repulsed at the thought that he left John. He was horrified to imagine his future without him. And he wouldn’t. He swiftly calculated the measures he would now go to to completely assure he would not have to live  _that._ It wasn’t logical. Not completely. But to be without John? It just seemed wrong.

  



	10. Chapter 10

The Doctor was flying about the TARDIS, flicking switches in a buoyant fashion, more like the first moment Sherlock saw him. All he could deduce about the man before him was his apparent loss. He was coated in memorabilia, as was the TARDIS. A handkerchief here, a well-worn poncho there, and a stethoscope, and many others well-worn with reverent fondling. The edges of his eyes hinted at massive amounts of guilt, and the eyes themselves bespoke of torment and misery. But something kept him afloat. Something kept this man in the business of talking to dying men and going back in time to fix things. Sherlock saw the Doctor was looking back at him. He saw his own pity reflected back. So this is what pity felt like on the other side. But it didn’t feel like he  _pitied_ the Doctor exactly. Just wished him less hurt and wondered at how he was the one speaking to John as he died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound and not the other way around. 

“It’s hope.” The Doctor answered his unasked question.

“How did you know what I was thinking?” Sherlock was genuinely astonished, could he read minds as well as travel through time?

“I didn’t know - I observed.” The Doctor said with a grin and a wink, tossing a wheel on the centre engine of the TARDIS with a calculated movement disguised as reckless abandon. “Your impact will be more than you know, Sherlock Holmes. Now you might save the world, rather than end it.”

“End it? How -”

“Spoilers!” 

Sherlock groaned in frustration.

“Oh, I’ll tell you in due time, don’t worry. You haven’t seen the last of me, Sherlock!” The Doctor laughed. “But don’t you have a death to fake?”

“How did - right, you observed.”

“No, that one I knew. It was the absolute only way out of that situation. I couldn’t have done better myself. Do be kind to Molly, will you? It inspires her best work, and I’m sure you’ll want that for this.”

“That I will.”

“And I’ll have the journal back, thanks.” Sherlock practically gasped, clutching it tighter. How else was he supposed to track John’s progress, the amount of time he had left, and how much correspondence to watch him in case some of the details had a different effect?

“I have to insist, Sherlock. You’re a smart man, you’ll remember.” Sherlock handed it over regretfully with a huff. 

Just as Sherlock was stepping over the threshold of the TARDIS the Doctor called out to him, “And tell him you love him!”


End file.
